Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Rimmer's Risk Story

I've been watching a lot of Red Dwarf on DVD lately. I borrowed Series I-VII from the Brisbane City Council Library. They have an excellent online site which allows you to search for an item, place a hold on that item, and then have it delivered to your local library for collection. All that for only AU$0.55 per item. Unfortunately they don't have Series VIII in stock at present.

So as I said, I've been watching a lot of Red Dwarf on DVD lately. For those of you unfamiliar with Red Dwarf it is essentially a science-fiction, character-based, comedy. I find it one of those rare comedies that can actually make me laugh out loud when I'm watching it. So what does that have to do with gaming? Well, I thought I'd share a scene from Series IV, Episode 6 'Meltdown' in which Rimmer is telling Lister and Cat about a game of Risk he once played.

The Red Dwarf crew (L-R): Cat, Lister, Holly, Rimmer & Kryten

Rimmer's Risk Story

RIMMER: So there we were at 2:30 in the morning; I was beginning to wish I had never come to cadet training school. To the south lay water -- there was no way we could cross that. To the east and west two armies squeezed us in a pincer. The only way was north; I had to go for it and pray the Gods were smiling on me. I picked up the dice and threw two sixes. Caldecott couldn't believe it. My go again; another two sixes!

LISTER: Rimmer, what's wrong with you? Don't you realize that no one is even slightly interested in anything you're saying? You've got this major psychological defect which blinds you to the fact that you're boring people to death! How come you can't sense that?

RIMMER: Anyway I picked up the dice again... Unbelievable! Another two sixes!

LISTER: Rimmer!


LISTER: No one wants to know some stupid story about how you beat your Cadet School Training Officer at Risk.

RIMMER: Then -- disaster! I threw a two and a three; Caldecott picked up the dice and threw snake eyes -- I was still in it.

LISTER: Cat, can you talk to him?

CAT is sitting with big pieces of cotton wool plugged in to his ears. As LISTER talks to him he takes out one of the pieces.

CAT: What?

RIMMER: Anyway, to cut a long story short I threw a five and a four which beat his three and a two, another double six followed by a double four and a double five. After he'd thrown a three and a two I threw a six and a three.

CAT: Man, this guy could bore for his country!

LISTER: What I want to know, is how the smeg can you remember what dice you threw at a game you played when you were seventeen?

RIMMER: I jotted it down in my Risk campaign book. I always used to do that so I could replay my moments of glory over a glass of brandy in the sleeping quarters. I ask you, what better way is there to spend a Saturday night?

CAT: Ya got me.

RIMMER: So a six and a three and he came back with a three and a two.

LISTER: Rimmer, can't you tell the story is not gripping me? I'm in a state of non-grippedness, I am completely smegging ungripped. Shut the smeg up.

RIMMER: Don't you want to hear the Risk story?

LISTER: That's what I've been saying for the last fifteen minutes.

RIMMER: But I thought that was because I hadn't got to the really interesting bit...

LISTER: What really interesting bit?

RIMMER: Ah well, that was about two hours later, after he'd thrown a three and a two and I'd thrown a four and a one. I picked up the dice...

LISTER: Hang on Rimmer, hang on... the really interesting bit is exactly the same as the dull bit.

RIMMER: You don't know what I did with the dice though, do you? For all you know, I could have jammed them up his nostrils, head butted him on the nose and they could have blasted out of his ears. That would've been quite interesting.

LISTER: OK, Rimmer. What did you do with the dice?

RIMMER: I threw a five and a two.

LISTER: And that's the really interesting bit?

RIMMER: Well it was interesting to me, it got me into Irkutsk.

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